Just haven't been myself lately.. Can't quite explain it though. Somewhat blah and indifferent to almost everything. LIke an old worn-out white-washed photograph. Nothing exciting to look at here, folks. Crazy exhausted, though. All the time. Not for any real reason either. Its not like I'm doing anything strenuous. I mean I DO walk up the stairs each day to work, so there IS that, you know. I also physically GET UP almost every day, too. So I guess I do have some strenuous moments. But nothing out of the ordinary.
Maybe that's it? Maybe I'm just feeling ordinary. And why shouldn't I? I mean I'm not any more special than anyone else. Right? Sure, we all have our own quirks that separate us from everyone else. Some of us have a lot more quirks than others...just saying. But in the grand scheme of things we truly are all the same. Skin. Bone, Tissue. Brain matter. Etc. So I shouldn't expect anything different, right? Not from myself or from anyone else.
Maybe that's it? Maybe there are certain people in our lives who should treat us a bit differently than everyone else. Maybe we should feel special with them and not like just another cog in the wheel. (I think I'm feeling a little emotion stirring here, may have hit on something...) Maybe there are areas in our lives where we should feel appreciated, loved, adored and all those things that spark happiness, comfort and contentment. Maybe we should be able to feel this without words. Without being told the perfunctory "love ya." We should see it through actions. The actions of others. Maybe when we go so long without really feeling loved we forget how to feel it altogether? We don't remember how to experience the joy, pleasure, giddiness of knowing in your soul that you are loved. Loved from the soul, because of your soul and what's in it. Appreciated. For all that you are - as well as all that you are not. Adored. Leaving no question in your mind that this world IS a better place with you in it. Not left to feel as though you are merely the droid who handles everyone else's overflow. Droids are replaceable. They don't quite have the emotional capacity that humans have. They don't necessarily need physical interaction or warm fuzzies. They just are. I don't know that I want to just "be." That's a little confusing, I know, but it somehow makes sense in my head.
Maybe when a person gives so much of themselves to others, their well eventually runs dry. Even the residual fumes give way to nothingness.
What's that old saying..."never push a loyal person past the point where they no longer care." I think there is something to that. It makes sense. It feels right. That's been the mentality lately. I go through the MOTIONS like normal, but the E-motions are missing. Like I'm on auto-pilot or something.. Like I've been given that last push.
But then again maybe I'm just hungry.