I'm usually not myself during the holidays. I take that back, I AM myself, but I'm not like everyone esle is/thinks I SHOULD be ... .ergo NOT myself. I'm moody, emotional, blue, grumpy, sad, etc. The frantic chaotic feeling of the entire season drains me so fast. There is so much about to happen that trying to plan for it physically hurts. Knowing there are so many people who want/expect great things from me, and knowing that I just cannot produce those great things, breaks my heart off little by little. With each new request I can feel it bleeding out inside my chest cavity. Slowly pooling into itself drip by drip so that soon there will be no room for breath.
I've been tricking myself lately. Telling my psyche that I can do this one more day. (My psyche is ignorant that way, thankfully- I don't think it knows when a day begins and ends). I can fake being happy and excited and merry one more day. What's one more day, right? Its nothing. Easy. Simple. But its not. Not really. Each day gets a little harder. Sometimes lot harder. Each day I feel a little more ragged and undone. Like a pair of yoga pants that have lost all the stretch, but just won't give up the fight yet. That pair that makes the ugly ssshhccrrrrr sound when you pull on the waistband.
Be happy! What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Are you seeing your families? Can you come here? Then can you come here? Are you cooking all day? Can you make this? Then can you make this? Be happy! Are you having people over? Can you you invite her? Then can we invite them? Are you going anywhere? Be happy! Can you come here? Then can we go there? And can you stop by here on the way? What about Christmas? How much of these/ many of those do you have? Can you have one here? Can you move those there? Be happy! Then another one there? Are you seeing your families? Can you come here? Then can you go there? Be happy! Are you cooking all day? Can you make this? Then can you make 2 of these? Be happy! Are you having people over? Are you going anywhere? Have you finished your shopping? Can he come? And can they come? Be happy! Are you busy at work? Can you do this for me? And you finish this before you start that? And what about this? Be happy! Are you this? Are you that? Can you? Can you?1 CAN YOU?! BE HAPPY!!
After a while all I hear is "YOU should be happy because YOU are needed - YOU need to do THIS for me/us/them and YOU need to be happy about it. There just isn't enough time in the day for YOUR needs so, you should be happy catering to mine/ours/theirs instead." I know this is selfish. i realize everyone, LITERALLY EVERYONE else deals with this, too. Its not just me. But it still hurts. Each demand adds to that ever-increasing list of expectations that I just cannot produce. There's not enough of me to go around. Never has been. Not even when I was younger. So I usually screw something up. Which usually leads to shame/disappointment/whatever from whomever held the initial expectation. And creates an error. An ERROR. Followed by some sort of "Ohh, that's wrong. You screwed up. You'll need to correct that since YOU messed it up." Which only adds to the ever increasing list of shit that's still expected of me. And once the first mistake is made its all downhill from there.
IThe holidays shou;d be about warmth and love and peace and understanding. And I see that all around me. But what i FEEL is none of those. What I FEEL is that others are, and always have been, more important than me. And, oddly enough, I agree with a portion of that sentiment. I truly DO think of others more often than myself. I"m not just saying that to pat myself on the back. i do. And I give to other so much more than I ever give to myself. Again, truth speaking here. But on the flip side, I sometimes selfishly wonder if there is anyone out there giving to me? Anyone at all? And II don't mean giving in a material way. Not at all. God knows there is absolutely NOTHING material I need at all. It often feels as though I've mistakenly surrounded myself with so many TAKERS that I don't find the GIVERS anymore. (Another ERROR.) Not because I dont want to, but because the takers use so much of my energy, time and self-worth that I have nothing left. Nothing. I'm left just a dull grey shell with no life or sparkle or worth at all. An empty thing stuck in the mud, going no where.
Sigh. And now i feel like a selfish ass. Making it abouit me, me, me when it should be about making other's lives more pleasant. Lord, please forgive me for being selfish. Be happy. You can give it one more day. There is always one more day.