1) - my jeans are too tight. Way too tight. But only at the waist band. No where else except for the waist band. I have it unbuttoned, and have BEEN unbuttoned since I got out of the car this morning and realized I couldn't breathe. About an hour ago I resorted to unzipping partially, too. But that only allowed my gut-fluff to poof out. And that was almost as uncomfortable. Metal zipper teeth pinching at fish-belly white gut-fluff does not a happy girl make. The stitching of my jeans is actually imprinted on my stomach. I can count how many it took to sew on this damn waistband . But on the plus side, I did find those hip bones that have been hidden for over 30 years. They're under the gut-fluff. This freakin waistband is hitting them just right (or wrong) so now they hurt. And not in a whiney kind of way, either. Like an "Ow it hurrrrrts" kinda way. How can a fluffy girl get bruises on her non-existent hip bones?! Plus, the God-forsaken waist band is folding up my digestive tract which, I fear, will soon cause a mad bout of the Green Apple Two-Step. (What's that, you ask? Think about what happens when you eat too many green apples. Best to set up shop in the powder room for a while.)
2) - my top is ill-fitting. It was a hand-me-down from a friend, and now I know why. "Here, you want this? It'll look great on you. No, no, no...I never wear it. I swear, its fine, I promise, take it." Mmm-hm. Love the color, though. And the fact that its a two-fer. Looks like a tee with a jacket thing over it, but its secretly just the lapel part of the jacket attached to the tee. Low maintenance. Sounds fabulous, right? WRONG! The side seams are sewn crookedly. Not to where its obvious, but just enough that I keep twisting slightly left when I walk. Each time I try to straighten it, the right side of the neckline hangs weird and the right shoulder falls off. So its like DIY flashdance gone wrong or something.
3) - my bra is...well, its just...ahh...oh, I don't even know. Its an old one. And a comfy one. Usually. Its the one I'll grab when I'm at home alone watching sappy Lifetime chick movies and wallowing on the sofa wailing. I would never wear this one to watch a Snapped marathon or ID Investigates, though. You know what I mean? (Don't act like that - you know dang well that every girl has bras for certain activities. Stop shaking your head like that.) But today its just not getting the job done. Perhaps its partially due to the Twister Top, but it feels like the girls are depressed. Down in the dumps. All sad and droopy. When I try to give them a boost and adjust the straps, all it does is yank the back part almost up to my neck. I feel like I've got a huge bag. So I end up hunching over a little more when I sit, which in turn cuts off even MORE of my breathing/digesting activities and adds to the problems already at hand. Bad bra day.
4) my drawers need to be tossed. That's all. I wear thongs. All the time. Its just a personal preference. I can't stand having my pants cling to my underwear. I hate seeing other people's panty lines. And I lose my cool when one side creeps up and leaves a cheek exposed, while the other side droops down and wads up under the other cheek. I AM that person who gets fed up and picks her underwear out of her crack right in front of you. I'll probably ask you to hold my purse while I tend to it. Yes, that's me. Someone told me long ago to try thongs one size larger than normal. At first I was like "oh HELL no I won't!" But I tried it once. And once was all it took. Now I always buy a size larger and my rump is big and happy and free. Normally. Except in this pair. This one is just a tad too big. Usually these are reserved for emergencies only. For days when I feel uber-bloated or when every other pair I own is in the laundry and I don't have the time to go buy more. But I wasn't thinking this morning. I just grabbed them and am now so sorry I did. Because they are larger, they ride up in the back. Providing an atomic wedgie you wouldn't believe. And the front scooches down low...we're talking lloooooowwwww. Low enough I'm sometimes afraid my hoo-hah may get caught in the zipper of my pants if I move too quickly. This doesn't happen immediately, but is more of a work in progress throughout the day. So I'll kick one leg out as I walk across a room, or try a sideways hula-hoop maneuver to try to fix them without having to stuff my hand down my pants. Sometimes I'm successful. Not today.
So you see? As I said in the beginning, today is one of those days I should be naked. Now you understand why.