Me? I'm not a huge fan. In my defense, being a Ginger with translucent skin leaves the door wide open for the worst sunburn ever when camping. I burn walking to the mail box to get the mail each day. The LAST thing I want to do is sequester myself outdoors for 3 days straight, where the only privacy I have is the thin wall of the fantastic new 12 person Mammoth Tent. When I'm sunburned, I need a cold dark room where I can slather up with frozen aloe gel and curse and cry and basically act like a whiney butt. I do NOT need other people having the option to witness these antics because A) there is no solid wall, B) there is no light, so I have to use a flashlight, C) I have to rig up the flashlight so as to be able to use both hands to slather, and D) due to said flashlight rigging, everyone can watch me like a HUGE shadow movie on the Mammoth Tent wall. Anyway, sunburn is not the point of my rant today. Camping is.
Why do people camp? I admit, being out in nature, getting away from the rat-race of every day life, can be peaceful and alleviate stress. I enjoy sitting outside listening to the grass blow in the wind, the bugs making their respective bug noises, and what not. It can be quite calming - I get that. But why you wanna stay out there for multiple days? Roughing it. No decent plumbing of any sort in the vicinity. No Sleep-Number mattress to cradle your aging, expanding body. No fridge stocked with ice cream and aloe gel. Why? If you need some time outside build a tree house in your backyard. That's outside, right? Yet still close enough to the bathroom and kitchen area. In a tree house you can easily do your outdoor thing, but still have the facilities to grab a bag of popcorn or go poo if you want. When camping, if you gotta "go #2" you either have dig a hole or hoof it to the nearest restroom. Neither is all that appealing (for reasons I should not have to explain) when you've already held it waaaay too long because you didn't want to go in the first place. Pooping while camping? Pass. HARD pass.
And what if the weather is crappy? If its rainy everyone is miserable. You can't make a fire, so you probably can't eat much. Unless you brought a lot of Pringles, donuts and beef jerky you're gonna be grumpy. You can't sit outside in nature. You have to sit INSIDE your tent and stare outside at nature. No one likes to be rained on day in and day out. Ask the people in Seattle. I've heard they have the most suicides there mainly due to the dreary weather. If its too hot, you have the possibility of the aforementioned sunburn issue, but on a greater scale. Even if no one is burned, you still have sweaty, stinky people being all outdoorsy and just adding to the original sweat and stink. But it could be cold, too. Like really cold. So cold you have to add multiple layers of clothes. Just thinking of layers of clothing piled on sweaty, stinky people is enough to make anyone feel kinda sick. No one brought a bathtub, probably, and unless you happen to have set camp up by water, I'm guessing no one has bathed either. And we ALL have armpits. And other crevices. As well as layers of clothing. And its been a few days now. And then there is the Mammoth Tent. A relatively small enclosed area that claims to sleep 12, remember? (You can see where this is leading, right?)
Next we need to talk about necessities. How much stuff does one actually need to camp? Why do you go overboard to "bring all the comforts of home to the outdoors?" Why not just stay home?! (Again, a tree house would be a grand idea.) You have to tote a huge tent, all its accoutrements, sleeping bags, pillows, blankets, bags of clothes, food, food food, stuff to drink, multiple coolers with ice, a million flashlights, 419 million batteries, cooking stuff (Dutch ovens may be "the coolest", but they are freakin HEAVY!) portable heaters, chairs, entertainment (staring at nature can only last so long, folks) and who knows what else. But nary a toilet or shower, that's for damn sure! NO way, man. We're roughing it. It takes a minimum of 15 trips from the house to the car to load up. Then you can't fit it all in anyway so you have to reorganize. Twice. Then you realize you've forgotten about 6 pretty important things when you finally get there. (i.e tent rain cover thing, caffeinated drinks, Oreo cookies, socks, ice and Visene just to name a few.) Tell me again who said this s*&t was fun?
Let's get dinner started. Oh, yes let's. No one thought to bring wood for the cooking fire, so you have to scout for it. Fine, no big deal. Its not too dark yet. You have this cool grill overlay thing to go on top of the fire, but the stilts to hold it UP and ABOVE the fire didn't make any of the packing runs. So ALL your food is blackened. Not just the promised crawfish shish-ke-bob, but everything. No one eats the crawfish anyway, because it was in the cooler with the forgotten ice. So its been thawed out for several hours. No one wants the trots while on a camping trip! The coals fell off the lid of the Dutch Oven and plopped directly into the rice. Added a tasty little dash of ash. And the corn on the cob rolled off the platter and right on to Wendel's feet. You've all seen that Wendel doesn't aim "out and away" when he goes #1, so you know where those boots have been and what has splashed upon them. And how many times. Nope. Not eating that, either. You are forced to fake a headache and sneak into the Mammoth Tent. You dump your bag out on your air mattress and find a crushed up pkg of peanut butter crackers, one cherry pop tart and two sticks of gum. Ah HA! The food of kings! You shove it all in your mouth in one bite and wash it down with water with Crystal Light added (pink lemonade.) Nectar of the Gods! Its fine - you'll be fine. They always have S'mores on camping trips. You can just load up...oh, wait. What's that? The S'mores stuff is still in Renee's car. Which is still in Renee's driveway. Which is 45 minutes away. Fantastic. Fan-damn-tastic.
Night falls and people get tired. Time for bed. But there's no sleeping. You just don't sleep. Not with a group of people in the Mammoth Tent that sleeps 12. HM-hm. You may have a blow-up mattress (aren't YOU the lucky one!) but anytime you move it pitches you off into the floor. But its the Quantum Experience petite feather-weight mattress. (Helluva bargain at $150.00 each.) Coveted by outdoor enthusiasts because it only weights .7 lbs., is lighter than air and can be rolled up to the size of a quarter. FANTASTIC! You plop onto it only to realize your left thigh is bigger than the entire mattress. Bargain indeed! You wind up laying flat on the ground while you listen to your eleven tent mates snore, and fart, and roll around just as miserably. I should also mention now that only half of you have brushed your teeth, and that the stench in the tent is enough to peel paint off walls. If you had walls, that is. Oh...what you'd give for 4 solid walls.
Morning finally arrives and everyone crawls and stumbles out of the Mammoth Tent. There may be 2 who are genuinely excited to be alive and awake in God's country. And they let you know this. Repeatedly. To your face. You have held your pee all night and are pondering whether to go directly on them, or turn your back and squat where you stand. Politeness and niceties have run screaming during the night. They probably left because of the horrendous stench emitting from Mammoth Tent due to obvious lack of personal hygiene in the general group. You're dizzy and light-headed, both from lack of oxygen, nutrients and sleep depravation. You sit a spell in one of the chairs, and grab a water. You start to feel somewhat alive again when you realize its only Day 2. You still have to do this s&%t all over again! "Screw that, I'm walking home. You crazy freaks stink to high heaven, I'm so hungry I'm about to eat my own hair, and I have GOT to take a Mother of a dump! Peace out Nature. I'll check you on Discovery channel! WEOUT!"