Being in the room when they told her was earth-shattering. Just she and I and the hospital admin. "I'm so sorry, ma'am. There was an accident and your son didn't make it." Silence. deadly silence that makes your ears and stomach hurt. Then she turned and looked at me. They both did. Like I'm supposed to have some magic wand to wave to make the pill easier to swallow. I'm just the co-worker/ friend who drove her to the hospital when they called. "Didn't make what?" I asked. "He's 2 months old? What exactly didn't he make?" Mind numbing. It still seems surreal - like it didn't happen. Or like it was just was of those incredibly vivid dreams that you can't quite shake even after you know you're awake. Just seeing that look of cold raw pain. Naked unbelievable down-in-your-soul pain. It cracked me in some ways. Broke my spirit, my psyche. I'm not whole anymore. I can feel that.
I'm a fixer. A strong, calm, fixer. I'm the one people turn to with problems. Everyone. All the time. I can usually find a way to make things work and keep the peace. Not this time. I couldn't do anything. I shouldn't have even been there in the first place. News like that should be shared with family and close friends. Not your work buddy. But there was no way around it. It was just the two of us when they called.
Her older son got there first. He had no idea. It was horrible to watch. 15 year old boy broken on the floor sobbing. I can't fix it. Then her man came in. Drove an hour from work not knowing what the problem was - but knowing there was a problem. He couldn't look at her after they told him. I can still see him looking at me instead. Fix this. I can hear him saying "what? what? what?" Over and over and over again. I remember floating out of the room and falling to my knees in the hallway. Another nurse was there with me. Saying pleasant things "She's lucky to have you here. Can I do anything for you?" WTF? Do something for THEM. THEM! They're the ones who just lost their 2 month old baby for no reason. PLEASE GOD PLEASE DO SOMETHING FOR THEM BECAUSE I CAN'T.
I don't dwell on it every day. But she does. and I see her every day. I'm torn about how I would cope, God forbid. I like to say I'm a strong and faithful person. But I've seen firsthand how faith can be tested. Some days I fail the test. But I know my God forgives and understands my transgressions. This whole ordeal has made me take note of how fragile even the strongest of people are. He died 6 months ago today. Rest in peace, little Gavin.