I took Big Red and Little Man for haircuts several days ago. They do not yet have a personal stylist, so we frequent the inexpensive, quick in-and-out establishments. Pro-Cuts, Sport clips, Super Cuts. They're great for what we need. It was a little crowded this day so we were waiting and talking and people watching. There was a man a few seats over from us who was also waiting. Around 30 or so. Acid washed jeans with fashionably placed shredded holes in them. High dollar kicks on his feet. Talking really loud on his cell - which was a FLIP PHONE, I might add. As if we ALL were holding our breath to hear his voice. "Yeah, Bruh. She was a straight up bee-otch. I told her *^%^*% girl, you don't know who you're *&%%%$ing with! Back the &^%* off." Just one of those. wonderfully entertaining sorts of people.
He goes before us and drags his swag all the way back to the chair. Tells the hair cut lady he's "growing his flow" and to "take care with the merchandise." Big Red and I were rolling our eyes trying not to laugh. Little Man looks up and says "he's kinda rude, huh?" "MM." I say. Awesome Man goes on to say he's been thinking about highlights on his tips (yeah, because THAT's making a comeback) and what is that chemical they use for that? (Ummm - you talking about BLEACH maybe? I dunno.) It was such a strange yet comical interaction. Hair cut lady barely said 5 words, and obviously didn't care much for him. So it was almost like he was trying extra hard to win her over. He complimented her outfit. Which was hilarious because it was the same as the 2 other ladies working...black scrub-type shirt and black pants. So THAT surely got him some extra points. When she finished he gushed on and on about what a great job she did. There was MAYBE an inch of hair on the floor. And that might be stretching it. By this time, Big Red and I were both about to bite our tongues off.
As he walked up to the front to pay out, he decided to make one last ditch effort at schmoozing her. Flung his card on the counter and said "How bout you tho' a little sumpn-sumpn on there for you. Gitcha self sumpn nice." She just looked at him with the most deadpan face I've ever seen, handed him the receipt and a pen and calmly stated "If you'd like to give a tip YOU can choose the amount on this receipt." By this time I was folded over my own lap silently screaming into my knees trying to hold the tears in. Big Red was turned around staring out the window, but I saw his shoulders shaking. Sweet Little Man was flipping through a magazine blissfully unaware.
Little did we know the best was yet to come. As God's Gift to Earth turned to swagger out the door, he flashed a big smile at me. Walked over, winked and clicked that "Hey, s'up" mouth click thing and then traced a finger under my chin. Actually touched me! I barked out laud and covered my mouth. As he walked by, both Big Red and I noticed a HUGE brown blob on the seat of his pants. He had been eating some candy while he was waiting, and apparently sat on a piece. IT LOOKED A BIG POOP PLOP SMASHED RIGHT IN HIS CRACK! Swear to God on high, I almost peed my pants right there in that plastic chair! As the door closed behind him, both Big Red and I started howling. And I mean HOWLING! Tears rolling, laying in the chairs holding our stomachs, ugly cry faces and all. There was another young guy waiting his turn. Maybe high school, college aged. He snickered a little and then started laughing pretty hard, too. Hair cut lady just stood there shaking her head. "good Lord sure sends some weird entertainment, don't he?" That was it for me. I was snorting and screaming, huge gales of gut busting laughter. Yes, I was laughing at someone else's expense, but there was no way it could have been prevented. It was damn well worth it and man, did it feel good!.
Note to self : if you're gonna be high and mighty, make sure your backside looks as good as you think your front side does.