Its hard being the responsible one. All the time. Day in - day out. I've always been that person. Not by choice, though. Grew up at a very early age and pretty much raised myself from that point on. Myself and my sister. I've always been the problem-solver. The mediator. I'm the one they turn to when something goes awry. I'm the fixer. The one who knows all the answers. I'm the calm, cleaner-upper. I'm the voice of reason when they're rambling in a panic. I listen to the complaining - about things that I can't change and will never be changed. I pick up the slack when they have too much to do and can't get it all done on time. I'm the one who goes back over the plan one last time to make sure everything is covered. I'm the realist who talks them off the ledge with common sense and logic. I'm the one who gets things done in the 11th hour because someone else has forgotten. The one who answers all the idiotic questions over and over and over again. The one who always smiles on the outside, but is cloudy inside. I'm there when they have a melt down. I'm the one who catches them when they fall. I put on a brave face, take the blame and say the right words so no one else looks stupid. I smooth the ridges and un-ruffle the feathers. I dust their arses off, stand them back up, re-tie their shoes and encourage them to take that first step, again. I'm the back-up for almost everyone in every immediate aspect of my life. I'm responsible when they can't be. Which is fine. I know someone has to be that person. It may as well be me. But I'm so tired.
Sometimes I don't feel like I have a back-up for my own life. Someone to pick up the pieces when I happen to drop some. I don't really have anyone to turn to when I feel like I just can't get out of that murky pond. Or when I don't want to. No one to just sit on the side of the pond and allow me to float, but watch to make sure I don't go under. No one to throw me a floaty to hold when I get too tired. I'm not really allowed to be in that quagmire in the first place. I'm responsible enough know better than to go near that thing anyway. Responsible people don't crack. They don't have "off" days or make mistakes. I'm expected to have MY shit together, as well as everyone else's shit, each and every day and that's just how it is. No exceptions. If I fail at something - well that's just unacceptable. Yes, I have abnormally incredible friends who are always available to listen to me. They help me stay afloat. I feel like an ass always complaining and whining to them - especially when some of them have a lot on their plate. So much more than me., to be quite honest. But they know me. They know my faults, my weaknesses. They accept them and usually find a way to laugh about them. My weariness doesn't lie in my friendships, though. Its in every other part of my life. I'm having a difficult time continuously being this perfect person I'm expected to be. I'm imperfect. With flaws and quirks and parts that just aren't quite right. But it seems that's becoming unacceptable.
I feel like I have a huge wad of pond weeds grabbing at me. Wrapped around my arms and legs and neck All my responsibilities. A ton of them. And not all are mine - some have just been dumped on me. Most of them, actually. Some are really old, some are relatively new, and others - I don't have a clue where the hell they've come from. But the more I thrash around trying to "deal with" them and get them in some semblance of order, the more I stir up. Its hard to stay afloat when all these weeds are pulling me down. I see people on the side of the pond. But they're pretty far away. Too wrapped up in their own issues to notice much around them. If they do notice me, they just think "Nah, she's good. She's the responsible one. She can get herself out. I've got too much going on here to worry about anyone else." And most days I can. Get myself out, that is. But what happens if one day I just get too tired.? When I've given so much to everyone else that I've got nothing left for me? Is that selfish? It feels selfish. It feels like I'm all concerned about myself and not others. But that's not true. I'm just tired. So tired of trying to hold everything and everyone together and trying to keep myself afloat, too. Something has to give, right? What will it be? Them or me?