So last night I was en route to pick up Big Red from one of his many social activities. Little Man was riding with me - we were talking, singing, having a grand time. We were a few minutes early so my plan was to stop off and grab a couple of things at Walgreens on the way. We drive by - there are lots of cars in the parking lot - and I decide against stopping. Mistake. Big mistake. HUGE mistake.
We had eaten dinner maybe 45 minutes earlier. Fast food. As is the norm for our Mondays. The particular place we went to is not one of my faves so I usually don't eat much there. But last night I was ravenous. Not only did I inhale my food, but I stole Little Man's fries and wolfed them down before he knew they were missing. (Poor starving baby.) Drank a vat of DC to was it all down afterwards. I never remember this in time, but this place ALWAYS has a little too much soda syrup in their soft drinks. This usually has a pretty ugly effect on my digestive system, but I just can't seem to remember that BEFORE I guzzle it all down.
Flash forward about an hour. We're out in the middle of nowhere picking up Big Boy. His meeting is at a place near two schools and lots of homes. No real businesses that are open later in the evening - mostly just residential. I text him that we will be there in a few and to come out when he's finished. As I tap "send" I feel it. A bubble in my gut. Its walking and talking and acting like It means business. I freeze in my seat to see what happens. After a minute *pop* - it goes away. But something just doesn't feel right. I whisper a silent prayer. "Lord. Please let me get home before something bad happens." God has a funny sense of humor sometimes.
I blow out the breath I've been holding and take in another when BAM! It hits. A shit pain. Not just a friendly warning. A full-fledged, guts-in-a-vise-grip, Mother of all shit pains. Stabbing pains right above my pubic bone through to my lower back. Sweating profusely from every pore in my body as well as my eyelids, elbows and knee-pits. Oh God. This cannot be happening. Not right now. And then here comes Big Boy. He and his friends walk out of the building and over to the car. I'm about to void all of my orifices right then and there so I ease my foot off the brake and roll the window down. I shriek "DON'T MOVE! I"LL BE RIGHT BACK!" Little man decide to help and rolls his back window down. He screams "MOM HAS A SHIT PAIN - WE'RE GONNA GO POOP!" I'm not sure if I'm blinded by pain or embarrassment. I peal out flinging gravel in my wake.
I see light about a block ahead. A Public library. a LOT of cars. So many more than were at Walgreens earlier. Too damned bad. it will have to do. I start tearing clothes off as I slide up to the curb. Its like a freakin 4th of July show in my intestines. No time for a real parking space - I'm about to poop in my car! Little Man is a trooper. He comes around the driver's side, turns the car off, locks her up and grabs the keys. I shuffle into the main doors. Half naked, dressed in only a strappy tank top and jeans unbuttoned and unzipped. Doubled over like I've been shot. I look like a crack-head junkie prostitute. And I don't really care.
To the left of the doors is a small room with glass walls. A group of people are gathered around a table. They all turn and stare. Actually, stare is a little too tame a word. One woman jumps up and runs to us. Obviously concerned. I'm grimacing with a glassy eyed look. And I'm farting like a pop gun with every step. Pow pow! pow! pow-pow-pow! I just keep moving as Little Man takes over. "Mom has a shit pain and needs to poop. She'll be ok in a few minutes. It happens a lot." Had I had the frame of mind to be embarrassed, I'm relatively sure I would have fainted.
I finally see the bathroom sign. My butt muscles begin to loosen as my brain registers what I'm seeing. NONONONONON!!! Hang on hang on...come on come on come on! I'm sprinting from the knees down and frozen from the knees up. I barely make it in and close the stall door before my guts explode. I'm worried the back door won't be adequate for it all to come out of, so I lean forward and hang my head over the drain in the tile floor. Just in case. After what seems like 4 hours I'm finally able to compose myself. I stand on wobbly legs and lean against the metal stall door. Oh my....feels so good. Nice and cold. I could stay here forever. Then I remember Little Man.
I fly out the bathroom door and find...my shoes? They're sitting in the middle of the hallway floor. Hm. Hopefully someone just thought they were an eclectic art piece. Sh-yeah. Right. I turn left and there he is. Laying on the floor of the library reading a book. My purse is next to him and my car keys are in his hand. I feel another stabbing pain. Of guilt this time. "What a horrible mother you are! You abandoned your child in a public place and didn't give a shit about him! (No pun intended, there.) You are the worst person EVER!" Then he looks up and smiles at me. Hops up to give me a hug and asks "All better? You look better. But your pants are still unzipped." I know he still loves me. For all my quirks and oddities, my son still loves me.
We hold hands and walk towards the doors. The creepy people in the glass room are still staring. If I didn't know better, I'd swear they're card board cut outs. Except their eyes follow us as we leave the building. Shiver.
We climb into the car and go over to get Big Boy. He and his buds are sitting on the steps outside the building. I notice its only been about 15 minutes since I tore out of the driveway leaving him in my dust. He stands up and shakes his head. They all knuckle-up then he shambles over. Clunk. The door closes. Sigh. "Sorry about that. What's up?" I ask. "OMG MOM! Don't EVER, EVER do that to me AGAIN! I'm SO EMBARASSED! I can't BELIEVE YOU! Now all my friends know you had to take a CRAP!! OH MY GOD! I can't show my face in public any more. EVER!!"
Whew. I smile. Life is good. But now I've got to pee.