CROP DUSTING:
This is a favorite of Big Red's. When farting, speed walk around the office - sometimes multiple times. This way the smell is adequately diffused around everyone and not concentrated in your area solely Take care not to stop too quickly or the gasses left in the seat of your pants will cling to you, surround you, and give you away.
THE FLY BY:
The act of scouting out an empty bathroom prior to pooping. Walk in and bend down, checking for feet under the stalls. If its occupied, leave and come back later. Or find another restroom that is unoccupied.
THE ESCAPEE:
This is a surprise toot that escapes in mid-stream pee. It is typically followed by a wave of extreme embarrassment if others are in ear shot. If you are the releaser - NEVER acknowledge it. If you are next to the releaser - NEVER acknowledge it. Making a joke, laughing or calling attention to the escapee makes all parties more uncomfortable than necessary.
THE JAILBREAK:
When pushing a poop, sometimes several tiny toots will jump out sounding like a machine gun. POPOPOPOPOPOPOP! Typically a side effect of the trots or a hangover. Should a jailbreak occur, remain in your stall until all occupants have exited the bathroom.. This spares all parties the awkwardness of what just happened.
THE COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the very instant the poo hits the water. FFWWOOOOOOSHH!! Drastically reduces the lingering odor. The more the better.
THE SAFE HAVENS:
A seldom frequented restroom in the building. Typically on floors when the opposite sex is predominantly stationed. Safe Havens allow ample poop-time and reduce the risk of bustation by an immediate co-worker.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
A group of like-minded co-workers who band together to ensure emergency poops occur without incident. This group helps monitor others, and create distraction when necessary, to assist in quick and less noticed poop attacks at the workplace. They also help identify SAFE HAVENS.
TURD BURGLAR:
Someone who does not realize the stall is occupied and attempts to force their way in. This can be shocking and frightening. However, its best to remain in place and do NOT leave until after the TURD BURGLAR leaves. Unless they are have a sever bout of the trots. In this case vacate as soon as you hear the lock snick on their closed stall door. Your nose will thank you later.
GREETNG COUGH:
A simple cough alerting other poopers that you have entered the restroom.
ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap to alert new restroom entrants that a stall is occupied. A polite answer to the GREETING COUGH. If you hear an ASTAIRE, and can wait a while, its kinder to leave to allow the pooper to poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of the trots creating multiple very loud splashes. Often accompanied by some ESCAPEES. Depending on the length and severity, this can be an incredibly embarrassing situation so try to mask some with a GREETING COUGH or an ASTAIRE.
Everyone poops. Like it or not. All I ask is that we all take extra steps to make public pooping as uneventful as possible for all parties. Peaceful pooping peeps!