Most times I can turn it around. It takes some effort, though. A positive attitude, doing something I really enjoy, laughing. The medication helps, too, but I try not to be dependent on it. Other times, though, its a lot stronger than I am. Its a lot less painful just to give in and allow it to take over. On those days, fighting just takes too heavy a toll. When you just let go, the darkness moves over you like an enormous paint brush. The bristles are thin individually, but there are so so many of them that its overwhelming. They touch you everywhere...both inside and out. Its a soft, gentle touch. More like a caress. Very welcoming and peaceful. But cold. The brush is loaded with a heavy grey paint and as it moves over you, you can feel that liquid seeping into your pores. Into each and every crease and crevass. The space between your toenail and its cuticle. In between your eyelashes. The folds on your brain. All those infinitely small spaces you didn't know existed. There is absolutely no way to keep it from spreading. The color in the world is smothered out with grey. Not black, at least not for me. But all sorts of shades of grey. (Way more than 50!) Its not a bad feeling, really. In fact, its quite comfortable. Like being slowly smothered in a luxurious blanket.
There are days when breathing disturbs the grey peace. That small movement rustles the heavy grey blanket. It would be so wonderful to be able to stop for just a little while. To stop and just be still. To wrap myself in that soft, cool blanket and allow the peace and tranquility to envelope me completely. If only for a moment. Yes, I realize what that means. And the intent isn't meant to be quite as morbid as it sounds. But sometimes I am weak. Too weak to be strong. Thankfully, involuntary muscle movement take over.
Sometimes the grey gets boring in an hour or two. Other times it takes days. Its amazing how intensly beautiful gray can be. So many tones. Each different from the other by a single drop of light or dark. Color can often be too loud. Too boisterous, too painful. Sometimes a little darkness is necessary.